How do you get a one-armed Norwegian out of a tree?
Wave.
(A benefit to moving to Sweden from the US is you can substitute Norwegians for Poles in old jokes we’ve heard a thousand times.)
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It’s been a minute since my last post. I’ve had a topic in mind for so long, the more I dwelled on it, the more I knew I’d want to write on it. So, like needing to take a massive dump ironically causing constipation, I wasn’t inspired to finally get writing. And I’m a natural procrastinator anyway.
To defend myself a little, though, I have been and continue to be very busy. After several years of short, unreliable stints of employment, peppered amongst long, stable stints of unemployment, it’s an odd feeling for me to not only be looking at my one-year anniversary of my current job, but to also be securely employed and getting better at it with each passing month. This time last year, I was massively in debt, a debt that is now all but completely erased. Being so focused on work, and with a demanding schedule, it’s no wonder I do fuck all in my free time.
But blogs wait for no man and it’s time to finally get my thoughts out. That being said, I’m going to break this up into chunks, both for your sake and mine. As I write this, I think this will naturally conclude with a 2024 Year in Review, but we’ll see.
First though, I have to tell two quick stories that occurred since the last post. My sister came to visit this summer, which was fantastic. I was bummed to not get to the US for the second summer in a row- which will certainly be corrected in 2025- so I was happy to see both her and her son, who came along for the ride. One day, heading home from Stockholm, we went into a convenience store at the Central train station. Having completed my purchase before her, I went to wait outside. I saw her at the counter, the young man at the register smiling and very excited to say whatever it was he was saying, my sister responding the same way.
When she walked out, I was going to kid her about hitting on the guy, but she didn’t give me the chance. “The guy at the counter, he asked, ‘That guy you’re with, he’s a comedian, right?’!” Naturally, my ego jumped for joy. Being recognized in the wild is so rare for me, I remember and savor each experience. On the heels of my last post, bemoaning how infrequently I perform these days- well, these years, really- it was nice to hear, despite that, I could still make a good impression.
The second story happened at work. We have three counters from which to assist customers. I sat at the middle counter, a co-worker to my left, one barely into her second decade. It hit me that I have lived in Sweden nearly as long as she has. Anyway, we had a customer each, and my eye was drawn over as her customer was joined by a companion. Turned out, the guy first at the counter was a friend/employee/entourage member of a Swedish comedian, a Very Big Deal, one whom I’ve performed with several times. Well, been on the same night.
As I looked over, we made eye contact, and we said what’s up to each other as she tried to play it cool and not let on that she was starstruck. Later, he asked her, indicating me, “Do you know how funny he is?” which made me laugh and say, “Yes, so funny I work here.” After they left, she said, “Your Cool Factor just jumped by fifty,” and I didn’t say that there is a one-percent chance he knows my name. Still, it was a fun experience.
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Since we couldn’t make it to the US during the summer of 2023, my wife, my kid and I still wanted to do something special during vacation. We ended up going on a road trip to and along Sweden’s west coast, with a quick dip into Norway, as my daughter had never been there. Realizing that we wouldn’t make it to the US in 2024 either, we knew we wanted to go on another trip, but where? Berlin? Copenhagen?
One morning, half-asleep and not yet out of bed, with summer trip possibilities in mind, I wondered, how far north is it possible to drive? Excited by the question and now completely awake, I sat up in bed and checked my phone to find the answer which was , simply, all the way. The northernmost point on the continent, North Cape in Norway, was a mere twenty-four hour drive away.
I gave it some thought before pitching the idea to the ladies. The farthest north I’d ever driven before was the Swedish city of Luleå, a drive I’d made in ten hours. I figured that could be a good midpoint for the trip. I didn’t know how they’d react, so I was quite pleased that they were immediately on board. My wife, however, rightfully pointed out that driving straight to North Cape just to drive straight back would be boring, so we should incorporate more of Norway into the trip.
After playing with Google Maps a bit, we created a loop that began and ended with Luleå, the first day getting us there, the last day getting us home from there. With Luleå as sort of a base camp, we went north through (counterintuitively, if you just look at a general map of Europe, and you’re American) Finland and into Norway, a day in North Cape, then west and south along the Norwegian coastline before eventually swinging eastward back to Luleå. It was an ambitious schedule, to say the least, especially considering that I’m the only one with a driver’s license.
We pulled it off, though, and it was a spectacular trip. I’m a sucker for landscapes and, wow, Norway does not disappoint. Our route took us up and down mountains, through valleys and tunnels, along lakes and fjords, across tundra, past waterfalls fed by melting glaciers. Every blind turn rounded, every hill crested, the revealed sight eliciting oohs and ahhs from the car, like we were watching a fireworks display.
The only downside to a trip like this is that it makes Sweden look like absolute dogshit in comparison. Don’t get me wrong, Sweden is a lovely country, spectacular in places, but simply cannot compete. I should record an audio tour guide for most of the country. “Welcome to Sweden! I know the road is flat and straight, but do please try to stay awake. If you look to your left, you’ll see that Sweden boasts two kinds of tree: pine and birch. If you look to your right, you’ll see the same. This concludes your tour, but here’s a fun drinking game: take a shot every time you see a house that isn’t red. Don’t worry, your blood alcohol level will remain below the legal limit.”
Spending that much time in the car – one day we were thrilled to drive only four hours – gave me lots of time to think, particularly about my last blog post, which was still fresh on my mind then. More on that later. We needed ways to pass the time and my daughter was prepared. Being a huge Taylor Swift fan and knowing that my wife and I are completely ignorant of her catalog, my kid put together a retrospective, a playlist comprised of key singles from all of Swift’s albums.
Of all her talents, I think the most amazing is Swift’s ability to be relatable. That her fans can relate to an international megasuperstar with a celebrity body count. Next week, I’ll tell you how I relate to Taylor Swift.
