A Roman walks into a clothing store and asks, “Do you have XL togas?”


The clerk replies, “Sure, but why do you need so many?”
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Rome was an interesting place back in the day. An absolute powerhouse, you would’ve found people in the city from all corners of the empire, with different languages, cultures, and religions, yet religious conflict was rare. A Greek would’ve said that Zeus was the king of all gods, while a Roman would say it was Jupiter, but since they spoke different languages, they figured they may actually be worshipping the same deity.

Well, the Jews weren’t going for that. They made a point to tell everyone there weren’t many gods, there was one God, and He was theirs. Romans may have been in control, but what did Earth matter when the Jews would enjoy riches in Heaven? All the things that Romans felt were blessing from the gods- money and sex being huge perks- those things were sins. God wanted everyone to be meek and powerless and poor. By an amazing coincidence, those were the exact things the Jews felt under Roman control.

Jews were quick to add that it didn’t matter if anyone agreed with them or not, because it wasn’t possible to become Jewish, it was their birthright. Romans would’ve rolled their eyes. Jews gonna Jew.

Just before the birth of Christ, the Republic fell. Caesar had been assassinated before he could name himself king, which led to a civil war and the rise of Octavian as Augustus, first Emperor of Rome. They were at the peak of their power and the empire would continue to expand significantly, but in many ways, it was the beginning of the fall of Rome.

Right as things began to go to shit, Jesus was born, preached, and was killed. His followers were Jews, but their religion was Christianity, Jewish 2.0. All the same tenets, but now anyone could join. Not only that, it was your duty as a Christian to get as many to convert as possible, and to constantly go against the mainstream. If you sneezed and someone said, “Jupiter bless you,” you had to correct them. “Actually, it’s ‘God bless you’.” (I didn’t make that up, that literally happened often. Can you imagine anything more fucking annoying?)

So, when things were falling apart, the Romans began to wonder why. Had their gods forsaken them? Or was something else to blame? Hmm… everywhere they looked, there were poor Brown people who didn’t speak the language, refused to assimilate to Roman ways, to even respect the culture. Not like us…

It’s said that Emperor Nero fiddled while Rome burned. That probably didn’t happen, is likely just anti-Nero propaganda spread by Christians. What did happen is, needing someone to blame for the Great Fire, he accused Christians, leading to one of many pogroms against them and many deaths.

Christians won out eventually, since nothing could stop the fall of the empire. As the divide between the haves and the have-nots grew into a chasm, it was much easier to find converts. Hey, you’ve got nothing anyway, might as well follow a god who says that’s a virtue.

What I love most about history is that it stubbornly refuses to repeat itself. No one would ever blame the “other” ever again.