Don't Shit Where You Eat! ™

How did Heller Keller’s parents punish her when she was bad?
They rearranged the furniture.
When she was very bad?
They replaced the wallpaper with stucco.
When she was very, very bad?
They left the plunger in the toilet.

—————-

In order to address beefs and how they affect me, I have to write about the most recent incident, something that made me furious at the time but I now find mildly, almost amusingly, irritating. That I’m writing about an event that’s nearly a year old, though, I’m aware this might make it seem like it is more meaningful than I let on. I know, I know, the lady doth protest too much, methinks. Good on you for your Shakespearean references!

I said that I‘ve stumbled into beefs without meaning to. In this case, I can say that I’m… mostly not to blame. I’ll write as generally as I can and I’ll take responsibility when it’s deserved.

There’s a club in Stockholm that I have practically lived at for over a decade, but more noticeably during the past five years. There’s a comic who had a number of chances there, but the club owner’s goodwill evaporated in time and the comic wasn’t welcome anymore. Said comic was, is, upset about this. Look, I get it. I remember during my early days, when I was far more passionate about the grind than I am today, I would resent club owners who kept their doors closed to me. Worse, I would resent the comics who were booked on a regular basis, especially if, rightfully or no, I considered myself better than them. I had nothing to do with him not getting booked- in fact, I defended him quite a bit in the early days of his career- and while I don’t think it’s deserved, I understand why my mere existence would be irritating to him. Hey man, get in line.

Where I can admit some wrong-doing, while I said I’d defended him a number of times to a number of different people, I became less interested in doing so over time. Back when I first met him, I told him he made me nostalgic for my early days, when my enthusiasm far exceeded my ability. In the years since then, well, the nicest thing I can say is that his enthusiasm and his ability haven’t changed. I’ve had conversations with other comics where they’ve laughed at him, not in the good way, and as much as I’d like to say I didn’t join in, I did. Comics give each other shit all the time, but this wasn’t necessarily good-natured. Anyway, as comics adore gossip, it’s likely that some of the things I’ve said about him and the club where he lives made it back to him.

I do know, though, that he’s aware of this blog, based on a few passive-aggressive remarks he made to me, including calling me “Gossip Girl.” See, after he asked for a spot at the club I frequent for the last time, and was denied for the last time, he sent that club owner a flame message. I got to see that message and, I’m sorry to admit, it was fucking hilarious. I ended up alluding to that message in a blog post covering entitled Swedish comics and, while I did not name names and that was just one of several incidents I mentioned involving several comics, it wasn’t hard for people to figure out who was involved.

After that post, when we did see each other, he was much more aggressive in the way he’d speak to me. Always with a smile on his face that didn’t reach his eyes. That was fine, I just shrugged my shoulders. I had no reason to dislike the guy personally.

Then someone died. It was sudden and unexpected and not widely known. It took time for that person’s family to make an official statement. In the immediate aftermath, though, a small circle of people were made aware. I was one of them. Another decided to make a FB post immediately; I talked to them, said we should wait to post anything until it had been made official, they disagreed. Again, I shrugged my shoulders. The person had not been tagged, not many saw the post.

Over the next few days, word began to slowly spread. After seeing a few more posts, I reached out to a number of people to say, while I could not and would not stop anyone from grieving as they saw fit, I strongly recommended against making public posts until the family made an announcement. People seemed to understand this.

Then this guy made a public post on a standup FB forum, tagging the recently dead. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, believe that his heart was in the right place, but I can’t help but suspect that he had selfish motives. In any case, that and the fact I found the post inappropriate and disrespectful, even that I could shrug my shoulders about. The problem was the tag. That the way people who cared about or even loved this person would learn of their death from some random comedy forum from some random rookie who openly admitted to not knowing them very well.

Seeing as time was of the essence, I tried calling him, he wouldn’t answer. I asked the admin to remove the post, he said he would look into it but took zero action. I noticed that, while he wouldn’t answer the phone, he was interacting with comics who were commenting on his post. I tried to ask him there to take it down, he refused, but when other comics agreed with me, he deleted the post. He sent me an angry message saying he had no interest in talking to me, but he’d deleted the post out of respect for the dead. I thnk I just wrote, “Cool,” in response.

Still, I had no reason to dislike the guy. And, again, I get it. I’d made him lose face amongst his peers. It wasn’t my goal to humiliate him; if he’d just answered the phone, maybe I could’ve talked him into taking it down before anyone noticed. His next step, though, that turned my stomach a bit. Remember the first post I’d asked be taken down, but was refused? This guy, after taking his own post down from the forum, shared the first post on his own wall. Class act.

(Apologies for less than fluid prose here, but, again, I’m trying to be as general as I can be.)

Anyway, it was all done with, I thought. Within a week, the family made the news official, and over the following weeks, a few friends and other comics shared posts of their own. A month later- a fucking month- this guy sent me a flame message, attacking me for going after him but no one else (incorrect, but more importantly, I had no reason to scold anyone for posting after it was made official), before bashing me with a whole lot of nonsense. I’ll give credit where credit is due- it was his goal to piss me off and, damn, mission accomplished. I was livid. But not so livid I couldn’t darkly chuckle at his accusation that I sit on my couch all day, on Twitter, while my wife “brings home the bacon.” The fact that I have a full-time job and two part-time jobs notwithstanding, I suppose this was meant to knock my masculinity. But to be able to sit on my couch all day while my wife is the sole source of income for our household? Sounds like Heaven to me! Go ahead and call me a soy boy or house husband, call me a flaming homo and I’ll get my own float at Pride.

But Twitter, of all things? He could have said PS5, or YouTube, or YouPorn, but he went with Twitter. Not only have I never liked Twitter, never been particularly active on it, the last time I posted – I had to look this up – was 2021. This is the result of the gossip mill meeting the Telephone Game and it’s just sad.

The message wrapped up with a vague threat of what will happen the next time we run into each other, followed by him immediately blocking me so I couldn’t respond. And yes, I was furious. He got to me. I reached out to some friends to vent and their response was a universal eye roll. They said whatever, don’t let him get to you, he doesn’t matter, no one likes him, he buys Instagram followers (okay, they didn’t say that last thing, but it doesn’t make it untrue). They advised me to keep my head up and not let it bother me.

They had good intentions. They had my best interests at heart. Even at the time, I knew that, within a few days, a week at most, I would feel exactly the same way. Unfortunately, since they weren’t just as angry about it as I was, at that moment? It made me angry at them, also. Because I am a crank.

Next week, I’ll conclude with how I found peace with anger.

Santa slides down a chimney, only to discover a woman has been waiting for him. A gorgeous blonde wearing only a robe and heels, lounging on a sofa, glass of wine in her hand. “Oh Santa, won’t you join me for a drink?”

“Gotta go, gotta go, can’t disappoint all the good boys and all the good girls!”

“But, Santa!” she pouts, standing up. “You’ll disappoint this good girl. Won’t you let me be good to you?”

“Gotta go, gotta go, can’t disappoint all the good boys and all the good girls!”

“In that case…” She shrugs off the robe and bends over the sofa. “Maybe you’d prefer to punish me for being naughty?”

“… gotta stay, gotta stay, can’t get up the chimney with my dick this way!”

———————–

Considering the season, and considering that my current narrative will get a bit darker before it brightens up a bit, I thought I’d take a break from my usual bleak nonsense and throw in some silly nonsense instead.

I forgot to include this story in my last post: I work at a car rental company at Stockholm’s largest airport. Last May, Taylor Swift performed for three nights here, and I met a lot of international tourists who made the trip just for her. So many, in fact, that I wouldn’t be surprised to find Swedes made up the minority of the audience.

Among them, I met a family of five from North Philadelphia. They told me they’d had the chance to buy tickets to see Swift there. Instead, they saved money by purchasing:
– Five round-trip international flights
– A rental car for six days
– Food and lodging for five people, six days and five nights
– Five concert tickets

If that doesn’t sound batshit fucking insane to you, I don’t know what would.

I thought I’d share a gift-wrapping story today. I’ve never been a fan of the wrapping procedure. I love giving presents, but wrapping, not so much. I have improved over the years, though, and wrapping this year felt much less like a chore. Well, I can’t wrap presents without thinking of the following tale. I feel like I may have written this before, but I can’t remember for sure, and if I don’t remember I doubt you will, either. Besides, if I’m known for anything, it’s repeating myself.

Flashback to… sometime in 1996 or ’97. Recently married to my first wife, I was buying gift wrap. It was either for Christmas or her birthday in late summer, I can’t be sure, but what I can be sure of is that I was in an exclusive boutique on King’s Highway in Haddonfield, NJ, a town full of mansions a stone-throw away from Camden, often considered the worst city in the US. God Bless America. Anyway, I’ve never been someone you’d describe as fancy; name brands and expensive things are not my bag. My first wife, though, those things mean the world to her, so I wanted to give her something nice. Well, more like I needed to.

As I said, this was an exclusive boutique, and the gift wrap I found was exclusively expensive. Can’t put a price tag on happiness, though, amirite? I brought it to the counter and the very attractive woman at the counter lit up. “This paper is so nice,” she said, flirtatiously. “Do you like wrapping presents?”

In an alternate universe, I avoided her question yet still answered honestly, and suavely at that. “I like to give.” Then she asked me to follow her to the stockroom and make passionate love to her, only for me to disappoint her by showing her my wedding ring and saying, “Sorry, darlin’, I’m spoken for.” That’s a fun universe.

In this universe, however, I laughed. Scoffed, more like. “Oh God no.” All the energy she’d displayed evaporated. She just told me how much I should pay, I paid, and she looked at me like, if she could grab me by the scruff of my neck and toss me out onto the street, she would.

For the next three decades and counting, I can’t wrap presents without being reminded of blowing my one shot at being James Bond-smooth. While I don’t believe in regret, if I had a time machine, I wouldn’t go back and kill Hitler. I’d go back and kill myself.

On that note of self-harm: Happy Holidays!

Why did the gossiping grape get kicked out of the fruit salad?
Because it couldn’t stop spreading rumors!

(I asked ChatGPT to tell me a joke about gossiping. I don’t think we have to worry about AI too much yet.)
——————

No sense in burying the lead- I wasn’t a fan before taking a deep dive into Taylor Swift’s discography, nor did I become a Swiftie after. Well, deep dive is a strong term for it; my kid had selected key songs from each of Swift’s albums, to show her development over the years. Eras, if you will. Wow, that just gave me a great idea: Taylor Swift should put together a concert with that same idea and call it the “Come Check Out How I Developed Throughout my Eras” or maybe something more catchy, I don’t know, I’m not an artist.

While I wasn’t a fan, I certainly didn’t mind listening, which is more than I can say for most modern artists, particularly {gag} Pop Country stars. We listened to a lot of songs and there was only one that would’ve had me reaching for the off button had I not been contractually obligated to give it all a chance. On the other end of the spectrum, when I told my kid the song I liked the most, I was glad to find it to be her favorite as well.

Not that I could tell you the name of those songs, mind you. I wouldn’t ever think of Swift as destination listening- that is, purposefully putting her on- and there wasn’t a single track I’d put on repeat. That said, it didn’t take long for me to understand why she’s so successful. She has an Elvis quality, an ability to not only perform in multiple genres, but also knock it out of the park again and again. Beyoncé, for all her success, cannot claim the same.

Speaking of Elvis, I imagine there are those who would say Swift can succeed where Beyoncé can’t because Swift is white and Beyoncé is not. Might be part of it, but I don’t think it’s the main reason. When a Pop Country artist slides into Pop, it feels natural; after all, you can’t spell Pop Country without Shit I mean Pop. When Pop or Rock artists put out a Country album, it feels like a grift. When they walk into a honky-tonk, the regulars say, “You ain’t from around here, boy,” regardless of their gender and skin color.

Beyoncé’s ego doesn’t mesh with Country, either. She did a bog standard cover of “Jolene” which, already, yawn, but also completely missed the point. The original is, “Jolene, you could have my man in a heartbeat, but please don’t, because he’s all I could ever have and you could have anyone.” Beyonce’s version is, “Jolene, you could never have my man, so please don’t try, because then I would have to cut you.” (For a much better review of that song and many, many others, check out Todd in the Shadows on YouTube.)

Which is not to say that Swift doesn’t have an ego. Boy, does she ever. I couldn’t hope but note a recurring theme in her songs. “What we had was magical and pure and unique and true love but you couldn’t see it and you screwed it all up and I was twenty and you were thirty and I’m not outright calling you a fucking creep nor saying your name but everyone will think that and easily figure out of whom I’m speaking and you and you and you you you.” Swift herself never made a mistake, was never to blame for anything. I pointed out this lack of self-awareness to my daughter and she said there are more recent songs where Swift does acknowledge some accountability, but I never heard them.

The two words that kept coming back to mind were, bully pulpit. She has so many devoted fans- scarily devoted- and I’m sure she’s very aware that, while she omits actual names from her diss tracks, she can count on her fans to know where they can direct vitriol on her behalf. It’s very much like her ability to pull off what I call her “Golly!” face- as in, she wins an award, or enters an arena with tens of thousands of screaming fans, and she’s wide-eyed and slack jawed and smiling, “Golly! All this for me, really?” It’s false, an act, and I say this because I respect her intelligence.

Except for the song where she imagines how much easier life would be if she were a man. She’s not successful only because she’s a woman, but being a woman, an attractive woman in particular, is a huge part of her success. And she must know this, otherwise why all the costume changes and enough makeup to take down a charging rhino?

(Here’s the punchline to the above paragraph: I asked my kid if that song is called, “If I Were a Boy,” and she thought I was giving her shit, but I honestly didn’t know that is the name of a Beyoncé song.)

It’s no wonder that, despite her aforementioned celebrity body count, her message of, “We were two in that relationship but only one at fault and it wasn’t me,” is so appealing and relatable to young women. Young women gonna young women, you know, and don’t throw misogynist at me for pointing it out. Young men do and think stupid shit, too. To put it another way, “You’re mad at me, you don’t love me, but I never gave you a reason for that.”

I’ve never been a young woman, will never achieve fame, much less that level, but I found myself relating to some of the aspects mentioned above. For one, expat comics in Sweden often gripe that life would be easier for us if we were Swedish. That certain doors would be open instead of closed, that film and TV and radio gigs would be more attainable. Perhaps, or perhaps we would be shit comics if we didn’t have the outsider status we currently exploit. Perhaps we are shit comics who can only exploit our outsider status. I’d love to believe that I’m funny not only because I say, “Boy, ‘slutspurt’ is a hilarious word!!” but I can’t believe that being an expat isn’t a significant part of my “success.”

While my outreach doesn’t compare to hers, this blog is my bully pulpit, of sorts. “Don’t Shit Where You Eat!” was always meant ironically, as I’ve always known myself well enough to know I can’t keep my foot out of my mouth, in a club or in a blog post. Although I’ve been careful to not name names, in some cases I’ve been so specific with details, anyone with even passing knowledge of recent events could easily figure out of whom I’d written. Or, you know, ask me in a dm and I tell them immediately. Never been one for subtlety, I guess.

I’ve said, “I have so many beefs it makes me want to go vegan,” too many times during my tenure as a comic. Too many times, believed these conflicts had come out of nowhere, that I’d done nothing wrong, nothing to deserve any ire. Well, when they pile up at one’s feet, one must start to think, hey, maybe one deserves some blame here.

Not that I seem to mind collecting beefs, apparently. Here’s a life hack: if you ever worry that you hang onto too much negativity, get yourself a friend who has so many grudges, and feels so passionately about them, it makes you look like a saint in comparison. In other words, get yourself a Laszlo.

Well, I do hang onto too many grudges. I don’t feel much about them, though, it just makes me not want to have anything to do with the people involved. Sadly, they are numerous enough that I can’t swing a dead cat in a club without hitting one, and that contributes to my lack of motivation to be out there. Apparently, I can’t swing a dead cat in a club at all, anyway. Everything is so goddamned woke these days.

Anyway, when I bash someone here and it’s obvious even without names and they find out and get pissed, I can’t hold up my hands in confusion and wonder what I did to deserve it. I can admit when I turn someone into a cunt or reveal them as the cunt they always were. That said, how people act in their cuntiness and how I react to that is a topic for next week.

How do you get a one-armed Norwegian out of a tree?
Wave.

(A benefit to moving to Sweden from the US is you can substitute Norwegians for Poles in old jokes we’ve heard a thousand times.)

——————–

It’s been a minute since my last post. I’ve had a topic in mind for so long, the more I dwelled on it, the more I knew I’d want to write on it. So, like needing to take a massive dump ironically causing constipation, I wasn’t inspired to finally get writing. And I’m a natural procrastinator anyway.

To defend myself a little, though, I have been and continue to be very busy. After several years of short, unreliable stints of employment, peppered amongst long, stable stints of unemployment, it’s an odd feeling for me to not only be looking at my one-year anniversary of my current job, but to also be securely employed and getting better at it with each passing month. This time last year, I was massively in debt, a debt that is now all but completely erased. Being so focused on work, and with a demanding schedule, it’s no wonder I do fuck all in my free time.

But blogs wait for no man and it’s time to finally get my thoughts out. That being said, I’m going to break this up into chunks, both for your sake and mine. As I write this, I think this will naturally conclude with a 2024 Year in Review, but we’ll see.

First though, I have to tell two quick stories that occurred since the last post. My sister came to visit this summer, which was fantastic. I was bummed to not get to the US for the second summer in a row- which will certainly be corrected in 2025- so I was happy to see both her and her son, who came along for the ride. One day, heading home from Stockholm, we went into a convenience store at the Central train station. Having completed my purchase before her, I went to wait outside. I saw her at the counter, the young man at the register smiling and very excited to say whatever it was he was saying, my sister responding the same way.

When she walked out, I was going to kid her about hitting on the guy, but she didn’t give me the chance. “The guy at the counter, he asked, ‘That guy you’re with, he’s a comedian, right?’!” Naturally, my ego jumped for joy. Being recognized in the wild is so rare for me, I remember and savor each experience. On the heels of my last post, bemoaning how infrequently I perform these days- well, these years, really- it was nice to hear, despite that, I could still make a good impression.

The second story happened at work. We have three counters from which to assist customers. I sat at the middle counter, a co-worker to my left, one barely into her second decade. It hit me that I have lived in Sweden nearly as long as she has. Anyway, we had a customer each, and my eye was drawn over as her customer was joined by a companion. Turned out, the guy first at the counter was a friend/employee/entourage member of a Swedish comedian, a Very Big Deal, one whom I’ve performed with several times. Well, been on the same night.

As I looked over, we made eye contact, and we said what’s up to each other as she tried to play it cool and not let on that she was starstruck. Later, he asked her, indicating me, “Do you know how funny he is?” which made me laugh and say, “Yes, so funny I work here.” After they left, she said, “Your Cool Factor just jumped by fifty,” and I didn’t say that there is a one-percent chance he knows my name. Still, it was a fun experience.

—————–

Since we couldn’t make it to the US during the summer of 2023, my wife, my kid and I still wanted to do something special during vacation. We ended up going on a road trip to and along Sweden’s west coast, with a quick dip into Norway, as my daughter had never been there. Realizing that we wouldn’t make it to the US in 2024 either, we knew we wanted to go on another trip, but where? Berlin? Copenhagen?

One morning, half-asleep and not yet out of bed, with summer trip possibilities in mind, I wondered, how far north is it possible to drive? Excited by the question and now completely awake, I sat up in bed and checked my phone to find the answer which was , simply, all the way. The northernmost point on the continent, North Cape in Norway, was a mere twenty-four hour drive away.

I gave it some thought before pitching the idea to the ladies. The farthest north I’d ever driven before was the Swedish city of Luleå, a drive I’d made in ten hours. I figured that could be a good midpoint for the trip. I didn’t know how they’d react, so I was quite pleased that they were immediately on board. My wife, however, rightfully pointed out that driving straight to North Cape just to drive straight back would be boring, so we should incorporate more of Norway into the trip.

After playing with Google Maps a bit, we created a loop that began and ended with Luleå, the first day getting us there, the last day getting us home from there. With Luleå as sort of a base camp, we went north through (counterintuitively, if you just look at a general map of Europe, and you’re American) Finland and into Norway, a day in North Cape, then west and south along the Norwegian coastline before eventually swinging eastward back to Luleå. It was an ambitious schedule, to say the least, especially considering that I’m the only one with a driver’s license.

We pulled it off, though, and it was a spectacular trip. I’m a sucker for landscapes and, wow, Norway does not disappoint. Our route took us up and down mountains, through valleys and tunnels, along lakes and fjords, across tundra, past waterfalls fed by melting glaciers. Every blind turn rounded, every hill crested, the revealed sight eliciting oohs and ahhs from the car, like we were watching a fireworks display.

The only downside to a trip like this is that it makes Sweden look like absolute dogshit in comparison. Don’t get me wrong, Sweden is a lovely country, spectacular in places, but simply cannot compete. I should record an audio tour guide for most of the country. “Welcome to Sweden! I know the road is flat and straight, but do please try to stay awake. If you look to your left, you’ll see that Sweden boasts two kinds of tree: pine and birch. If you look to your right, you’ll see the same. This concludes your tour, but here’s a fun drinking game: take a shot every time you see a house that isn’t red. Don’t worry, your blood alcohol level will remain below the legal limit.”

Spending that much time in the car – one day we were thrilled to drive only four hours – gave me lots of time to think, particularly about my last blog post, which was still fresh on my mind then. More on that later. We needed ways to pass the time and my daughter was prepared. Being a huge Taylor Swift fan and knowing that my wife and I are completely ignorant of her catalog, my kid put together a retrospective, a playlist comprised of key singles from all of Swift’s albums.

Of all her talents, I think the most amazing is Swift’s ability to be relatable. That her fans can relate to an international megasuperstar with a celebrity body count. Next week, I’ll tell you how I relate to Taylor Swift.

A man, on a quest for Truth, hears of a wise man on a mountain who has discovered the meaning of life. He embarks on a long quest to meet this wise man. The climb is arduous and he nearly dies, again and again, before finally reaching the summit. He stumbles to the wise man’s feet and pleads, “Please.. tell me, what is the meaning of life?”

The wise man smiles benevolently . “Life…. is a fountain.”

“Life is a fountain?!”

The wise man’s smile fades. “…. Isn’t it?”

————————-

Ah, summer is here. We’ve already had much better weather than all of last summer and I hope writing this doesn’t jinx it. Our evil fashion overlords have decided that bras are still out, tight and often transparent clothing is still in, as is the early 2000s with midriff-baring tops, low-rise jeans and exposed thongs. I live in Sweden. Several times a day, I’m reminded of Sam Kinison, screaming at God, “You’re CRUEL! YOU’RE A CRUEL BASTARD SOMETIMES!”

I’ve been extremely focused on my job, with the end of my probation only a few weeks away. I live in a constant state of bemusement over the fact that I somehow enjoy working in customer service again. Sure, I’ve met a few assholes, but not enough to bring my mood down. Also, somehow, I often speak Swedish and customers rarely respond in English or even look at me funny. Which is great, except when I meet Norwegians and they assume I can easily understand them. [Editor’s Note: For my American readers, neither Norwegians nor Swedes speak Swiss.]

As per summer usual, my motivation for standup has dropped to near non-existence. I had one gig booked in June but, when choosing between an unpaid set in front of a small crowd or an evening with family at home, which is becoming increasingly rare, I chose the latter. I’ve got a gig in October for which I was very pleased and equally surprised to be offered, otherwise nothing planned at all.

Not there are many clubs open just now, not that they’d have me if they were. I’ve remarked before that my grinding days are long behind me. My social media fast continues, with me signing in just once a week to post blog updates, making me virtually invisible. The idea of grinding again feels just as unappealing as the idea of quitting altogether, which means I’m still in a limbo between states. As my only ambition has been to perform as often as possible in as many clubs as possible, I’m unhappy with my limited opportunities yet unwilling to do anything about it.

I have the same attitude about opening a new club. I told someone recently that, when I moved to Sweden, I put my dog Buddy up for adoption, and I miss that dog but I don’t miss being a dog owner. In much the same way, I miss Power Comedy Club, more from when we were at Brother Tuck, but I don’t miss owning a club. I recently considered opening a club where I pay others to host and then immediately wondered why I would even bother having a club. How I could even mange to run a weekly club when my job schedule isn’t consistent and I have no interest in running a club with partners again.

With my motivation so low, my passion for standup matches it. I see other comics touring Sweden and I wonder why, as, from what I’ve heard, it certainly isn’t lucrative. Feels like the only demand for comic tours are from the comics themselves, who had to endure the pandemic and lack of attention. I see much less of it on social media now, since I’m barely on, but when I do see someone post, “OMG I just hosted a show for forty people and I love my life!” I wonder why they’re so enthusiastic.

I guess what I keep coming back to is being of two minds, having opposite yet equal views again and again. I listen often to Joe Rogan’s podcast, despite turning it off out of disgust and/or boredom just as often. The episodes I enjoy most have comics as guests, though I rarely think those comics are funny on stage. I find it reassuring when they mention some drama or another and I think, oh that’s nice, petty bullshit happens on all levels.

During a recent “Protect Our Parks” episode, Rogan and his comic guests, not one of whom I enjoy, talked about their fellow open micers who didn’t make it. By the way and speaking of being of two minds, while I dislike gossip I can’t help but enjoy knowing shit like, for example, being acquainted with someone who slept with one of those comics. Hey, I’m only human, and I run in weird circles. I know someone who slept with Fabio, for crying out loud. But I digress.

What I was trying to get at was, when they talked about the people who quit while they were still rookies, they said those people were universally happy. I encountered the same when I interviewed people for my podcast, that had either quit completely or had gone from performing several times a week to performing a few times a year. No one missed the grind, no one wondered, what if. Maybe it’s like a relationship when the passion is gone, you might miss the intense early days but have zero regrets about calling it quits.

Again, the idea of quitting entirely doesn’t appeal to me, but I’m so tired of being on the fence. This whole, maybe I’ll start a club again, maybe I’ll try to grind again, maybe I’ll get my pod going again, it’s just as boring to me as it must be to anyone that’s been paying attention to me lately. I have a wealth of topics in my head I’d love to express on stage, but a famine of material; even in my head I feel like a TedTalk lecturer.

The biggest de-motivator for me is the community itself, the whining, the aforementioned drama. I try to ignore them, talk to the Lord, pray for them, because some fools just love to perform. You know the type, loud as a motorbike, but wouldn’t bust a grape in a fruit fight. I want to be Zen and let people get away with nonsense, but that’s always been a challenge for me. Time I could spend thinking of material, I waste on imagined conversations that will never happen.

Or, worse, I’ll think of material I can never use. If I ever quit comedy- and also leave the country- I’ll first do a massive roast. They say you only roast the ones you love, that there needs to be heart in every joke, but I’ve found that purely evil roast jokes make me laugh the hardest. Just frustrating that the best jokes I think of now, I’m the only one that will ever hear them. Unless we’ve had a few beers and you promise not to tell, of course. And then you’ll tell and I’ll get fresh beef.

As I see it, I’ve got three choices. Accept the way things are and have been for nearly, holy shit, five years. Where does the time go? Start grinding again. Go to clubs when I’m not booked and nag club owners and post regularly on social media… I got tired just typing that sentence. Quit. Nope, too spiteful to myself and others for that.

So I’m off to enjoy my summer and think about shitting or getting off the pot. Thanks as always for your support and don’t worry/get your hopes up, because you’ll be hearing from me again. In some form or another.

A traveling salesman, visiting a small town for the first time, walks into the local bar. The first thing he notices is a strange sound, like muffled sobbing, coming from the back room. Only a few sit inside, all looking miserable, including the bartender. There’s also a bucket overflowing with cash on the bar.

The salesman orders a beer and asks the bartender what’s going on. “A few months ago, I bought my daughter a horse, but it won’t stop crying. I can’t give it to her like that! So I keep it here and people pay five bucks to make it stop. If they succeed, they get the whole bucket.”

“Okay, I’ll give it a shot!” The salesman puts five bucks in the bucket, walks into the back room. A moment later, the crying stops, only to be replaced with a stranger sound, as if the horse was laughing. The salesman walks out, downs the rest of his beer without a word and, smiling, takes the bucket and walks out.

A year later and passing through town again, the salesman drops by the bar. The laughing continues, everyone is just as miserable, and now there are two buckets full of cash on the bar. The bartender notices him and yells, angrily, “You! That damned horse hasn’t stopped laughing since last year! People have paid twenty dollars per chance to make it stop and no success!”

“Alright.” The salesman puts a twenty into a bucket, walks into the back room, and quickly an eerie silence follows. The salesman walks out with a smile, grabs the buckets, but the bartender stops him, demands an explanation. “It was easy,” he replied. “Last year, I told him my cock was bigger than his. This year, I showed him.”

—————————-

In the film Gattica – underappreciated at release, it’s since become a cult classic- one of the subplots involves a lifelong rivalry between brothers. In their youth, they raced each other to find out which one could swim the farthest out to sea before turning back to shore. The brother who lost held a grudge and trained, apparently for years, for a rematch. But when the day finally came, he lost again, and nearly died in the effort.

His brother told him, “Do you know why I win? Because I don’t save energy for the trip back.”

This is me, except socially. I can’t count the times I’ve put my foot in my mouth thanks to an inappropriate joke or misreading someone or spreading gossip (for which, thankfully, I’ve lost the taste). I just put myself out there, in a figurative sense, with little thought for consequence.

I was reminded of this yesterday when long-term reader and frequent free source of Photoshop support David T. Weaver sent me a screenshot to brag that Shane Gillis liked some comment he’d made on social media. Without hesitation, I replied, “That’s great! Whomever is in charge of his social media (or robot) liked your comment!” It was only after I sent it that I wondered why I do that, why I always do that.

When you give blood in Sweden, a few days later you’ll receive an SMS saying that your blood was just used to help someone. I’m thrilled to tell people that t’s based on statistics, that there’s no way your individual donation is being tracked that carefully. When people in their forties get asked for their ID at the liquor store, I tell them it’s the cashier being nice or just checking randomly, they don’t actually look under twenty.

Back in my first week of college, there was a free event for the Freshman class, with a magician. He performed several illusions, all of which I deemed basic, as, thanks to Penn and Teller, I had a phase around 1990 when I was big into magic. (I’m not making any apologies for phases. Hell, from October to November 1993 I was a Goth kid. Yes, there are pictures and no, you can’t see them.) On the walk back to the dorm, a girl overheard me explaining one of the tricks to my roommate and interrupted, “Oh yeah? Then explain how he did the other thing!” I explained that one, then another, until she’d made me explain all of them. “Gee, thanks, asshole.” She asked!

I don’t know how, at the same time, I want people to have magic (in general, not cheap parlor tricks) in their lives, but also jump at the chance to dispel illusions (again, in general). I want you to enjoy sausage but also tell you how it’s made (especially if it’s Scrapple). I want you to like me, but I jump to playful insults. For fuck’s sake, I told someone recently that his weight loss, which he was happy about, gave him old man skin.

Maybe it’s just the traditional self-destructiveness of comics, maybe or likely it’s insecurity. Maybe it’s affected by my biggest pet peeve- letting people get away with shit. My Lord do I hate that. I believe it’s healthier for me, and also a struggle, and I’ll get into that more next week before taking a summer break. For whatever reason, I have that trigger in me. When you marvel at how the Stockholm subway is carved from natural rock, I can’t let the Stockholm Transit Authority get away with that! I have to tell you that it’s just wire frame covered in plaster, how could it possibly keep from caving in otherwise, and if you look to your left you’ll see a door in the “rock” you fucking moron! Oh, and also enjoy magic in life, because I want that for you, too. Sigh.

”Jeez, Allison, you kiss your mother with that mouth?”
“No, I eat her pussy with it.”

Sometime in June of 1993, with only days remaining before graduation, and under unremembered circumstances, I sat in the cafeteria with a bunch of girls I’d never sat with before nor would again. Among them, a girl named Allison Crist, whom I barely knew despite us both being on the Track team and six years in the same school (no, we weren’t equally dumb, needing six years to complete four years of High School; Junior High was in the same building). Summer was already upon us and one of the guys working on a construction project outside walked in to use a vending machine. Topless, cut, maybe 22, ponytail because of course. I don’t remember her actual reaction, but Allison made some sort of verbal grunt, just like I’d heard guys do a million times when seeing hot girls. I was 18 and realized for the first time, “Wait… women can get horny?”

She then made some off-color remark that I also don’t remember, but something very on brand for her. I didn’t know her well, but well enough to know she wasn’t particularly lady-like. To which one of the other girls asked her the above question, to which Allison gave the single greatest comeback that I have ever heard. Thirty years on, it remains the undisputed champion. It was fast, natural, shocking, hilarious, perfect.

A month or so later, I visited the house in Ocean City where she was living with a bunch of other girls for the summer. They were doing some work in the attic, accessed by a hatch in the ceiling, and I was asked to help them down. As Allison’s legs swung through the hatch, I could see straight up the leg of her shorts and, well, straight Up, as she wasn’t wearing any underwear. I had a choice to make- keep my mouth shut, enjoy the view but also not embarrass her, though risk her realizing later what I must’ve seen, or be a gentleman and let her know she was on full display. “Thanks for not wearing underwear today,” was my gentlemanly salutation, and with a yelp she vanished back through the hatch with a speed I can only describe as unworldly. To her credit, she didn’t punch me square in the face later.

Anyway, this week’s entry is not about fond memories of teenage upskirts. I like that I’ve been including old jokes here and that particular comeback of hers, I can’t count the number of times I’ve thought of it over the past three decades. It still makes me smile.

No, today I want court controversary by making a shocking confession- I love parmesan cheese. I was pretty late to the game. It was a staple in my household, but so shredded it’s virtually powdered. That’s common in the US where we don’t really do cheese, but I never liked the consistency. Later, I would find I liked it when it was properly shredded, but it wasn’t until I went to a restaurant in Verona, Italy, and it was served in small chunks as an appetizer, that I would truly come to love it. I was in my forties and realized for the first time, “Wait… you can just eat cheese?”

And so it was, a few weeks ago, that I found myself drawn to a stand outside my local liquor store that was there to sell, and only sell, two kinds of cheese. I couldn’t tell you what the other cheese was as I only had eyes for the massive wheel of parmesan. There was one person ahead of me in line and I listened with a smile while the salesman went through his pitch. Although it has never been my intention, I have been in Sales practically my entire professional life. I’m certainly not the type who can sell anything to anyone, but I’ve met many who can. True Salesmen. Not to be sexist as I’ve met women in Sales as well, and while I’m certain they exist, I’ve never met a woman who burns for sales the way I’ve known many men to do. The kind of guy who reads books about sales techniques while on the beach.

This cheese salesman was clearly one of those guys. When he told the guy in front of me that, included for free with purchase, was a special bag, worth fifty crowns ($5), that would help prevent mold in the refrigerator, I nearly laughed out loud. It was a paper bag with a slight coating of wax.

When it was my turn, I got a free sample and immediately made up my mind to buy, now it was just a question of how much. I liked the guy but his enthusiasm to make a sale clearly affected his judgment, since looking at me he’d decided I must be the type willing and able to drop thousands on cheese. I declined his first offer of half the wheel (and I mean wheel; this thing wouldn’t have looked out of place as a spare tire) and, using his giant blade, he marked a slice half as big as the last. Still way too big, I shook my head no, and he marked a new slice, this time a quarter smaller than the last. Still too big, I shook my head, so he lifted the blade to mark a smaller slice… and brought it down exactly where it had been. I chuckled and said okay, spending too much money on too much cheese.

One might think that being able to see the tricks behind sales would make me less likely to fall for them, but it’s the opposite. Well, it’s not that I fall for tricks. I know what’s going on and they make me laugh when I see them in practice, making me say yes as if in appreciation of a trick done well. It’s like when my first marriage came to an end. I hate money (or at least I hate worrying about money, never wanting too little nor too much) and I hate things (as in the acquisition of things and brands), putting me in existential conflict with my first wife, and when it came to an end I didn’t want to fight about either. I told her I didn’t care about our stuff and she could have it all. Then I realized I was about to live alone for the first time in my life, with no possessions, no savings, in a foreign land with no family and no friends. I said, “Wait, I’ll need some stuff,” to which she replied, “Too late, you already said I could have everything.” Ah well, I ended up with our TV stand, a new TV and some old plates we never used.

The only thing I wanted to replace was our Hästens bed. I loved that bed. They are wicked expensive, though, and while I didn’t want to be stingy- I spend a third of my life in bed, after all- I wasn’t sure I was prepared to drop that much cash on a bed for myself. I made a plan to visit a few different places, shop around, decide which bed was best for me. I started with Hästens. The salesman showed me a few models, asked which kind of mattress I preferred, I said firm. He checked his computer and damn, wouldn’t you just know it, they only had one firm mattress in stock, I’d better decide fast if I wanted to order. I chuckled and ordered immediately. “Yeah, it’s expensive, but the good news is, you only buy one,” he said. Again, I laughed, and said no, this would be my second. And my last. Took several years to pay the damn thing off.

What does all of this have to do with comedy, you ask? There’s a great deal of salesmanship in standup as well. Jokes are often not good enough simply on their own, they need to be sold. Did you have a hard time coming up with a comedy topic this week, you ask? First of all, bite me, you’re not right. But you’re not not right, either. I hadn’t intended to take a break but I’ve been so focused on work I only have one gig in June and I’m not sure when I’ll be on stage again. My mind isn’t in much of a standup mode, but I do want to keep writing.

Still, there is something to be said of my appreciation of sales in comedy, too. I like seeing the tricks in action, particularly during crowd work when it’s done well. Those jokes that the crowd thinks are spontaneous but have been worked on for years. The body language used to punctuate a punchline. The way a comic will laugh at their own joke the same way during each and every set.

A rookie once asked Colin Quinn, “If I believe in a joke, should I need to sell it?” He replied, “There’s only one comic I know who doesn’t need to sell his jokes, and that’s Todd Barry. If you’re not Todd Barry and you believe in your jokes, why would you not want to sell them?” It’s good advice from one of those comics I like very much off stage and not at all on. Quinn is like Norm Macdonald to me, who in turn is like Frank Zappa to me. People I should love, in theory, but never enjoyed in practice. Although my latest wife will never stop trying to sell Zappa to me.

Guy walks into a bar, sees a piano being played by a man who couldn’t be more than a foot tall. Finds a magic lamp on the bar, rubs it, a genie appears. “What is your wish, master?”
“I’d like a million bucks.”
“A million what?”
“A million bucks.”
“You wish is granted.” As the genie vanishes with a poof! a million ducks fill the bar.
“That’s not what I wanted!” The bartender looks at him and says, “Do you think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”

I’ve mentioned before that standup may be like music for me in that, the older I get, the less new stuff I discover and enjoy. The only difference being, while I can listen to old band albums over and over, it’s rare that I listen to old standup albums or watch old standup specials. Although many releases hold up, standup tends to age like milk.

Shane Gillis is a Big Deal and I gave his Netflix special a shot. I turned it off after five minutes. A Shane Gillis punchline could be, “Huh huh, that’s so gay dude.” I wasn’t offended, just bored.

I watched the Roast of Tom Brady this past weekend and while Gillis wasn’t on the dias, he was shown in the audience several times, and his spirit was certainly a part of the show. The special is three and a half hours long… the word “indulgent” comes to mind. Originally broadcast live, the version I saw had edited out the boos that drowned out Kim Kardashian at the start of her set. I’m also pretty sure they added laughs to Bert Kresicher and Tom Segura’s joint set as, not only was it terrible, everyone involved has acknowledged how badly they bombed.

I introduced my kid to the Comedy Central roasts a year or so ago and she was a big fan, so we all watched this roast as a family. After I’d heard several gay jokes, I turned to her and said, “Huh huh, that’s so gay dude,” after the next one had been said. Then I shortened it down to, “Huh huh, gay retard gay,” then, “gaytard,” then I stopped saying it because even I got tired of it. There were so. Many. Gay jokes. At one point, Rob Gronkowski, former Patriot tight end (and now a wide receiver! Wocka Wocka!) went on such a long and passionate string of gay jokes that host Kevin Hart looked into the camera and said, “Jesus Christ!” and I was right there with him.

I’ve noticed, between the rise of Joe Rogan’s comic friends and what the kids find funny these days (even Borat made a comeback) that the pendulum is clearly swinging away from political correctness. And thank goodness for that. Not so much because I think there should be no limits in standup, but more because I am so bored with predominately older white dudes whining that no one can say anything anymore.

I often say that your time on stage is your opportunity to say whatever you want, be whomever you want. It’s your opportunity to do literally anything, which is why I get disappointed when rookies spend their three minutes on anal sex. I feel the same way about political correctness going away. If taking the power back from SJWs means the best we can do is, “Huh huh, gay retard tard gay,” then goddamn, wake me up when woke is back.

All that being said, Nikki Glaser knocked it out of the park, to use a football metaphor. (I was able to appreciate the roast on a different level than my family because I am a sports guy.) If you have a chance to catch her set, do so. I would recommend to Netflix to edit the rest of show down to just her.